Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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