Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
