Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
