It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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