last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
