to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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