mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
