I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
