hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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