Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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