I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
