the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
