so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
