I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
