So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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