I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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