I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
