she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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