If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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