So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
