I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
