I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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