I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
