I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
