Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
