Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
