what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
