i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
