my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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