They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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