found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
