Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
