I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
