Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
