I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
