great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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