I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
