No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
