People in love make me want to vomit
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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