You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
