did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
