Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize