and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
