definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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