he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
