he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
