I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sext me about skeletons
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
