smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
