I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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