i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
