Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
