I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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