I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
