this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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