he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
