Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
