why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
