i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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