my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
