so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
