I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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