I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
