Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
